Since it was highly unlikely I was going to be a freemason and seventy in the next few days I was really upset. That was however, until I had a cunning plan. So cunning, in fact, you might call it the greatest plan ever to be thought of by myself which I didn’t steal from someone else. The plan was simple – HOT AIR BALOON!
By building a hot air balloon I figured I could swiftly travel into space, beat a couple of Galiens in a Shirts off Showdown and be back in time for Corrie on the old box (not that I watch Soap Operas mind, I just love to howl to the theme tune and pretend I am a dog). There was just one problem however, my Mum found out I used her credit card to buy books off amazon and also to subscribe to a website which had naked women on. I was doing research into where girls pee from if they have no willy at the time, hence the need to see women with really big boobs with absolutely no clothes on whatsoever. It’s science. So, anyway, I was without pocket money and BANNED from the internet. Life fucking sucked at that point.
But thank God for the Eisteddfod which was just a few miles away from my house. My new plan was simple, sneak into the Eisteddfod avoiding having to pay to get in and hijack a hot air balloon. Everything went brilliantly, I got into the Eisteddfod by fake crying saying I had lost my Mum, even though my Mum hadn’t even come! The security man let me in and said he had seen “too many small, fat, blubbering children today to waste my time with.” I don’t know what he meant by that.
Anyhoot, I found the hot air balloons and tried to get in. Problem. They were massive, I couldn’t fit in the basket as it was too high. Using my rodent like skills I learnt from my pet hamster, Dr. Zoidberg (also my second best friend in the whole wide world) I scurried my way around the rope and dropped inside. I severely banged my man-head however and was unable to think clearly, the big round bouncing boobies of the women from that website I subscribed too kept clouding my thoughts. Then I heard voices getting close, so I hid under a blanket. Other people got into the hot air balloon with me, and then I think we took off because everything felt really weird and I was a little bit petrified because I think I heard a dragon soaring around in the sky with us, “ROOOOOOAR” it went.
I was under the blanket for what seemed like an eternity but in reality was around an hour before my alarm clock went off in my pocket to remind my Corrie was on the box. This gave my position away, so I leapt out from under the blanket flexing my guns and scared the hallelujahs out of the other folks in the hot air balloon.
My actions caused a panic which made the balloon crash. No one died but everyone was annoyed at me because I made the hot air balloon land in a cow pat. After an initial beating I received the people decided if they weren’t drunk they would have spotted me in the balloon before and it wasn’t my fault and they would have done the same thing had they have been my age. Turns out I was older than them.
|
