I still haven’t given up trying to find gold, real gold, and not that fake gold some man tried to sell me which was just a bunch of old cornflakes that had gone stale. I knew it was too good to be true, wish I still had that five quid but you live and learn. Well anyway yesterday I ventured back out into the woods and was carefully looking out for gold giveaways like things sparkling and leprechauns. I found a lot of tracks, deer, bunny rabbits, birdies and then I came across a really big foot print. Suddenly a gust of wind blew through the forest and I felt like I was being watched.
 
There was this strange smell in, a real stench, and I heard some rustling. I crouched down and hid in some brambles careful not to scratch my man-skin and I waited for whatever was making all the noise to reveal itself. I waited and waited and then a twig broke, and then another, then a tree fell down and wondered if I should man-run back to my Mum’s house for safety. I was all alone, except for whatever was making all the noise, and I hadn’t found any gold. It began to grow dark.

Suddenly I spotted something moving slowly, it looked like a shadowy figure. From my cover in the brambles I peered carefully and tried to make out what it was and as the figure got closer the stench got smellier and more and more twigs kept breaking. At first I thought it was a monster, a big hairy forest monster, and I had to be careful not to get eaten or molestered. Then as the figure got closer I realized it was not a monster at all, it was BigFoot. I quivered in my brambly cover, in a non-gay way, and thought that the hardest Shirts off Showdown of my man-life was about to take place.

I jumped out of the bushes and flexed the guns and Bigfoot spun around in surprise. God, he was hideous, absolutely monstrously big and hairy. Bigfoot squinted his eyes at me and I met them with my Baby Blues. There was a moment or two where we both sort of stared at each other, in a non-gay way, and I wondered if he was sizing me up to make a good meal. Without warning Bigfoot turned around and started to run away from me, each step was like one of my own man-leaps, if I was going to catch up I would have to run as fast as my extraordinary man-legs could carry me.

I kept a safe distance as I ran after Bigfoot, if I could get a picture of the bugger I might be able to make some money. If not I could at least follow him back to his house and steal his gold, I bet he has lots of gold, and lots of leprechaun friends. After a few minutes of catching my breath Bigfoot was nowhere to be seen and I was all alone again in the forest. It was getting real dark now, real dark and cold. Just when I thought I was going to spend a night in the forest Bigfoot emerged and said to me, “Little boy, if you want to come to my house for a cup of tea you are more than welcome. Then we can ring your mother to pick you up.” Should I trust a beast which some people think is just a myth?

We got back to Bigfoots house which was secretly hidden on some council estate and went indoors. It was nice and relaxing and we watched some television and talked about Gold. It turns out Gold is pretty rare and Bigfoot doesn’t have any. He is really big, easily over six foot.