We all know April Fool’s Day is a chance for real men, such as myself, to play hilarious jokes on people to make them look silly, feel bad and make everyone know that as real men, such as myself, we are very entertaining and capable of making the days feel a lot shorter. I mean shorter in a rhetorical sense of course, not actual height wise, and even if I did it wouldn’t matter because everyone knows 5 foot 4 is a perfectly acceptable height for any real man, such as myself.
I had been planning my hilarious set up for April Fool’s Day for sometime, since April 2nd 2007 to be precise. That year my Mum had tricked me, she tricked me real bad. I woke up on April 1st and said White Rabbit three times for good luck, like I do at the start of every month when I wake up. That particularly day I was feeling vibrant and happy and as such as I hopped out of my bunk bed (sleeping on the top one makes me feel like a King, and slightly taller) and ran downstairs. I pointed to my mouth and made several “AAAARRGHHH” noises, which indicates I am hungry and need man-feeding. I have been doing this since I was three minutes old, it always works.
To my surprise and horror, my Mum wasn’t there. I scurried around the kitchen frantically, checking to see if maybe she had gone Sainsbury’s shopping to buy me food and sweets. She normally leaves me a note if this has happened, but there was no note and no food already prepared for me to eat which she normally conveniently leaves for me in the fridge. I began to panic. The house was really quiet, I was beginning to feel sad. Then I went into the living room to look for clues when my Mum jumped out behind the sofa and said “BOO!” I’m not going to lie, it startled me.
I jumped back on my man-feet and tried to escape, you know how it is in that first split second when someone jumps out on you, you immediately think “PEEDO! RUN!” Then you realize it is someone you know who is playing a joke on you. Unless you go for a walk down that alleyway by the Post Office at night, then you should just run, although they lock the gates to the park so run the otherway, towards Woolworths. Although don’t go down the alley by Woolworths either because people always piss there and swear at you for trying to find out where girls pee from if they have no willy (it was too dark to see, but I heard a woooooosh noise).
My Mum laughed at me and found it really funny, she even cried with laughter. I was left feeling annoyed, frightened and embarrassed. When I woke up the next day I began to plot my revenge act, something so funny it would be talked about for years, even after I grow up and live in the house on my own because I put my Mum into a old fogeys place. Everyday, every single fucking day, I thought about what I was going to do and I laughed, I laughed so, so much. I thought it would be great, but you know what they say about the best laid plans, they can go wrong. Horribly wrong.
On April 1st, 2008, I snuck out of bed nice and early, much earlier than I normally do, it was about ten o’clock. I put on my mask I bought in secret and I waited by my bedroom door at the top of the stairs. I waited, and I waited, and I waited. I got really bored of waiting and the mask made it hard to breathe and my made my man-face all sweaty. Finally, I heard my Mum make her way from the living room and come up the stairs, she was humming some tune and I knew she would be really surprised when I jumped out.
