Firstly, this is no conspiracy theory. Galien’s are real, I know, because I have seen them in my local public toilets doing things to one another. At first I was shocked and fearful, but since I have overcome my fear of the Galien I often go out Galien Hunting. Sometimes, we can spot as many as 3 or 4 Galien’s a night, and we punch them in the stomach. Like any real man with self respect, of course we wear special gloves so we don’t get Galien germs on our hands. I recommend Wilko’s brand of washing up glove, just 99 pence and they come in a Fantanatastic pink colour. Nothing makes a Galien feel worse than being punched in the stomach by a pink rubber glove. Galien’s have not been proven by science, but neither has the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot or Alfred Hitler.

Galien Giveaways

• Your average Galien is between 4 and 5 feet tall, and often has died blonde hair. While they may look human, and often muscular, do not be fooled. As soon as they talk, you can tell they are in fact a Galien. Somewhere, millions of years ago when Jason Christ was making people to fill his little world, Galien’s interfered in the DNA gene pool so they could hide amongst us and secretly look at our bums. This is why all Galien’s sound like women. I don’t know if you will believe what I am about to say, but many famous people are in fact Galien’s. George Michael is a Galien.

• Galien’s often like to think they dress well, but they don’t. A Galien is easy to spot because unlike us real men, they never take off their shirt. I often do the Galien test by challenging suspects to a Shirts off Showdown. Often, they will respond with comments such as “THAT’S SO GAY”. This is a trick use of reverse psychology. They are in fact, Galien. Most Galien’s have little gimpy bodies and try to cover them up with expensive “Fashionable” clothes. I believe David Beckham is a Galien, and he is married to a pig that had its head shoved onto a stick insects body. If you encounter a Galien which seems to be heavily muscled, do not worry. They are not real man muscles, and are just a make-up effect Galien’s use to try and look like a man.

• Galien’s do not like to interact with real men. They will often go to bars with names such as “Bugsy Browns” and “YMCA” I will often man up with my rubber pink glove and run riot in these poncy places, slugging as many Galien’s as I can before I start to feel sick at the lack of testosterone and this is when I need to go home, have a horlix and talk to my Mum on the telephone about how expensive things are becoming these days before taking a man nap.

• Galien’s are easy to spot when they are standing still. They will often sigh and place a limp hand on their hip and tilt to one side as they look at pictures of underwear models. They think this makes them in touch with their emotions, but Galien’s don’t have emotions. How many Galien’s are truly in touch? Zero. A Galien will never let rip in a small area packed with people such as a train or reception room. This lack of real emotions is a sure give away to a Galien.

• The stare. Galien’s try and make other people either Galien’s or dead by giving them what is known in the Galien scene as “the evils”. The evils simply means to give a Galien Stare and send evil Galien technology thoughts at someone, possibly to the right hemisphere of their brain to try and influence them. If you find someone giving you the evils, and you haven’t just ran over their puppy or child, the only known way to protect yourself is to rip off your shirt in as a manly way as you can, (I recommend licking your lips and doing it one button at a time, before neatly folding it up and putting it somewhere safe, manly erotic hip wiggling is also a bonus) then running straight towards the Galien giving you the evils and flexing and kissing the guns, before running through as many poses as possible. This normally has the desired effect of making the Galien scared and running off or shitting themselves due to a buggered sphincter. Don’t worry about not having time to oil up, in this situation, its ok to go dry.

Final Thoughts

I hope this guide may save you from the Galien attack which is secretly ruling the world. I will continue to use the glove in my quest to rid the world of Galien’s, but I can only do so much. After a couple of hours I get tired and need my man naps. Do your part, and together we can make this world a No Galien Zone. After all, the only good Galien is a woman. Women are almost Galien, and yes, it is ok to punch them if they are annoying you. I recommend punching them in the boob, it may be the only way a real man gets a chance at touching something soft.

Yours in manliness,
Fantana