Exctract from Grabbing America by the BALLS, in a non-gay way.
Act Three - Road Trippin'

Fantana took Jowanza Jeffreys, the reincarnation of Jesus, down to Florida with him, against Jowanza's will. We pick up the story in Tampa, Florida, where they stayed in a hotel room. With two beds, seperate ones, you understand.

A LIFE LIKE THAT

When we got back I went to the bathroom to mark my territory and noticed that the towels provided by the hotel were dirty, so dirty in fact that one of the towels had a thin long brown stain on it, I guess the previous occupiers must have run out of toilet roll. I informed Jowanza, who was opening bottles with his few remaining teeth, about the poo-stained towels but he didn’t believe me and started drinking his beer. Although our room was a non-smoking room Jowanza felt that as the reincarnation of Jesus he was allowed to indulge in cigarettes in such circumstances and so he lit up a fag and started puffing away. It is quite a sight to see, the new Jesus, in all his glory cracking open beer bottles with his teeth and chugging away with a cigarette in the other hand.

As I sat around watching Jowanza get tipsy Uncle Percy rang to tell us he would be coming over in just a few minutes. We tried to make the place look slightly more acceptable by hiding the mess on my side of the room and it was the first thing that Uncle Percy noticed he walked in. Uncle Percy was taller than Jowanza, thinner than Uncle James (his brother) and was completely bald. He drove a Mercedes-Benz and didn’t have the accent of Uncle James, it was more laid back and not so deep. After shaking his hand he started talking about his day and how we should to go to Miami and he would love to go with us but. Jowanza told him with a slight reluctance that it was not going to happen as Lauren was pressurizing him to go back.

Uncle Percy looked at him and said “Oh, it’s like that with her is it.” Then he whipped out is camera from a plastic bag he carried in with him and showed us videos of him with various women. “Don’t you want a life like that?” Uncle Percy smirked. It turns out Uncle Percy was getting paid by people to have sex with their wives and they let him video it and take pictures. “Sometimes the husband will leave the room if she is enjoying it too much. But that has only happened twice.” He was earning four hundred bucks a time but as he put it “If they didn’t pay me the women would stray anyway, they want to experience a black man, so they might as well pay me and watch the show.” Jowanza laughed and kept pushing me away as I tried to look at the pictures and video footage but then his face went sad as his mobile phone rang again and he didn’t have to tell anyone who it was.

After a short conversation with her on the phone he assured her that we would be back the next day and would leave at six in the morning. Uncle Percy told me about all the things I was missing out on and asked about my life in England. I didn’t get a chance to say anything because Jowanza butted in and began telling him about the Lord of Fantegla. Without me saying a word Uncle Percy, who is wealthy himself, asked for my email address and said we should all go down in March when it’s Spring Break. Then I talked, and talked, spinning the Lord of Fantegla story to Uncle Percy. “You know I just wanted to get away from the UK and experience what life is like for a normal person, without being followed by people wanting something because they know of my enormous wealth.” Uncle Percy nodded in agreement, “Damn, I see what you’re saying” he said.

Jowanza kept looking away because he wanted to laugh so much but I was going strong, no pun intended, and Uncle Percy respected my made up life immensely. You could tell Jowanza was slightly tipsy, he was talking real fast and seemed to throw all caution out the window. Uncle Percy enquired about just how much money I had, “Well, the family is worth three hundred million. But I don’t see that money, I probably only have fifteen grand left for this holiday.” Uncle Percy looked at me like I was the kind of person he wanted to hang around with, but alas he had to go, he himself had a young lady waiting for him.

We all stood up as we said our goodbyes and Uncle Percy walked to the door. Jowanza knocked over his beer bottle which startled Uncle Percy who got sprayed with beer along with the walls, mirror and carpet. “Oh shit, dawg, let me clean that up for you” Jowanza said and he rushed into the bathroom and came out with the stained towel. He got down and dabbed at Uncle Percy’s trousers. “Boy, sure is hot in here” Jowanza said while still on his hands and knees at Uncle Percy’s feet. Then he started to dab himself with the shit stained towel. “Woah! No, don’t use that manky towel!” I cried out and snatched it from Jowanza careful not to touch the dubious stain. “This towel has shit on it!” I said and laid the towel on the floor where we all congregated around it. “Sure looks like shit”, Uncle Percy exclaimed and then we both burst out laughing and Jowanza heaved. “I just threw up in my mouth dawg, that shit ain’t funny!” Jowanza rushed into the bathroom where Uncle Percy and I heard him puke.

Grabbing America by the BALLS, in a non-gay way
A true tale of a Heavily Muscled Hero Type Guy
ISBN - 978-0-9558869-0-4

The best selling satrical humour book
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"OMG brother, I never laughed so hard in my life as I did reading about your adventures grabbing America by the balls! LOL! I didn't want it to end!" – Abdullah Hasheem, Indianapolis, USA