Exctract from Grabbing America by the BALLS, in a non-gay way.
Act Two - Indianapolis

Fantana went to Bloomington with Jowanza Jeffreys, the reincarnation of Jesus. There they met Jake the Giant who had scared off a bear only moments before where we pick up from the story for this short extract.

BEAR ATTACK

As everyone talked amongst themselves the dogs started barking again and the rustling of the bins was heard by everyone at the table. Jake the Giant stood up but I stood up faster and as I stared him down I said in my most manly of all voices “I’ve got it, son, you take 5.” Jake the Giant looked around the room, then back at me and said “DADDY?!” He started to run towards me so I covered up instinctively as I thought his huge feet would trample me but BB got in front of him. “No, no Jake, he’s not your Daddy. Sit down Jake. Have another beer.” Jake the Giant started crying and BB sat him down then came over to me and whispered “You damned fool, he don’t know who his Papa is, go scare that fucker off will ya.” He was angry at me and everyone else was just looking at me, including Jowanza who narrowed his eyes and flared his nostrils and sort of pouted with his lips. He looked pretty mad and I just walked outside to the back of the house to scare the bear away.

Outside I went over to the bins expecting to see the bear. It wasn’t there and something behind me rustled in the bushes. I turned around and took up my pouncing position which I use on intruders and baddies. In front of me stood one of the dogs, I decided not to pounce on it, they all smelt bad and I didn’t want to have to shower again. I heard more rustling behind me, and a real low growl. The dog in front of me ran off with its tail between its legs and I turned around. Sometimes when things scare me like used socks or dirty dishes I cover them up with things so I don’t have to see them. I knew where the growl had come from, and it wasn’t from one of the dogs. It was from that bear, which had some used tissue stuck on its face along with various other bits of garbage. It had its head down and was baring its teeth. I noticed it had big teeth, real big, and really sharp looking toe nails. Sharper than mine even.

Without a towel or a coat to throw over the bear to ignore it I decided to do what Jake the Giant did, I clapped my hands. The bear just growled, not giving me an inch, no pun intended. I clapped my hands again, this time louder. It growled more ferociously and took a half step closer towards me. I clapped my hands and stomped my man-feet, putting all one hundred and fifty four pounds of my muscle (plus holiday weight) into the ground. The bear just took another step closer. It wasn’t such a small bear, it stood on its back legs and it was bigger than me, and I’m pretty decently sized for any real man, such as myself. Five foot four inches and one hundred fifty four pounds of pure man, but next to Jake the Giant I did look almost small. But so did the bear, without Jake the Giant the bear looked huge. Fucking huge, actually, and it really smelt bad, worse than Jake the Giant. I could even smell its breath which surprisingly smelt liked Pickled Onion crisps, like Space Invaders which are my crisp of choice ever since I was a small boy, below five foot.  Not bad for ten English man-pence.

The bear was now only fifteen feet away from me and then…it bolted. It bolted forwards towards me. Luckily in these situations everything slows down, real time slow-motion if you will, and it’s built in to me as a Genetic Superior. I could see the dust being kicked up by the bear, how heavy it was breathing and also that my own man legs seemed to be jelly and wouldn’t move when I wanted them to. The bear was ten feet away now and finally I was able to run. The real time slow-motion seemed to have given way to a blur effect and all I could see was some brambles in front of me, which I didn’t want to go through because of getting scratched, the forest which was full of more brambles, branches and bugs, or I could run up the back steps and get back into the house. I chose to do that but before I got to the steps the bear must have thought he was going to gobble me up as it was almost shrieking with excitement as it chased me. Really, I could have just turned round and kicked it in the face and then got the beat down on him with some wrestling moves, maybe the People’s Elbow. I decided however to take the spiritual path, the one of running away.

As I got to the wooden steps I missed the first one and leapt over the second before hitting the third and running up them, I probably looked mighty athletic and heroic, after all I am a HMHT. I used the hand rail which seemed very unstable but it supported my weight when I slipped and fell on it. When I had scurried to the top I turned around just in time to see the bear slip on the steps and roll on its side and crash through the wooden hand rail. The side of the steps broke and the hand rail ripped off all the way up to the top of the stairs and splinters of wood went everywhere. I was hoping the bear would spear itself through the heart but it just hit the ground hard and banged its head on the floor as it rolled. It struggled to its feet, shook its head, looked at me and then hobbled off which signaled I had won.

I pondered for a split second whether or not I should finish the job by killing the injured bastard but felt like I had done enough for one day, I needed a man-nap. I was about to go back inside when BB, Jake the Giant and Jowanza came rushing around the corner from the front of the house to see what had happened. With no trace of the bear insight everyone stopped in their tracks and stared at me. BB went pale, and came over to inspect the damage done to the steps. Jowanza ushered me down the steps, then just said “Man, what’s wrong witch you?! Why’d you have to do that?!” He pointed at the hand rails. I exclaimed it wasn’t me, it was the bear. Jake the Giant gasped and went off looking for the bear but couldn’t find it.

BB looked at me and asked me to describe the bear. “It was black, and big, and had big teeth. It was the same bear Jake the Giant scared off.” He looked real angry. “Bear?! FUCKING BEAR! That was a God damned raccoon, you idiot! There hasn’t been a bear here for almost one hundred years!” Veins and sweat popped up all over his forehead. “You must have broken the God damned hand rails, you son of a bitch!” He took a step forward towards me, but stopped. It all went silent, Jake the Giant and Jowanza were looking at each other and trying not to laugh. After we picked up the broken hand rail BB told us all to go inside and finish our food. We all went in and none of us mentioned what had happened, BB told his wife that everything was OK and sorted out. She smiled and kissed him, I quietly sat the table. I didn’t even ask to use the toilet, even though I really needed to mark my territory.

Grabbing America by the BALLS, in a non-gay way
A true tale of a Heavily Muscled Hero Type Guy
ISBN - 978-0-9558869-0-4

The best selling satrical humour book
Available on Amazon UK - CLICK HERE
Available on Amazon USA- CLICK HERE

"Grabbing America by the Balls is a fantastically funny book to read, one of the funniest books I have read, I didn’t want to put it down. I’ve never been to America but if I had I had I would want to travel in Fantana’s man-rucksack, no pun intended. Definitely laugh out loud, very interesting and well written. Can’t wait for the next one" – Elaine Gladis Davies, Oswestry UK