Exctract from Grabbing America by the BALLS, in a non-gay way.
Act One - New York

THE QUEST FOR FOOD, ERIK STYLE

Erik and I walked to the place I said would be open, which was just a couple of streets away from the Hostel. Going in was a mistake. Inside loud music was playing and there were two women who both stared at us. There were also four men, all of which were staring at us, a common theme around those parts it seemed. They made no attempt to turn down the music or at blinking as they continued to stare. Erik, being Erik, kept shouting loudly for some food they didn’t serve. He wanted pizza, the woman kept yelling at him they did Spanish food only, what is it with goat tits around here? This kept going on and on as everyone was becoming agitated, except for me. I found the loud music awesome and was dancing around very merrily, in a non-gay way. It felt like it was almost Christmas. I was doing such classic moves as the Fantana Kick Clap, Fantana Jump on the Spot and the ever popular Fantana Wiggle like a Worm. Even Erik seemed mad at me, but not as mad as the four guys who looked at each other than got up and headed towards me.

I will be honest with you, it’s a bit of a blur what happened exactly. One minute I am pulling out all the show stoppers in an array of dance moves not seen since the likes of river dance (although mine were much better), the next minute four angry faced uglies were rushing towards me. It was sort of like something out of an action packed television show. I would say it bears most resemblance to Scooby Doo as I was doing the running on the spot move. A real man, such as myself, is able to spot a dangerous situation a mile away like running with scissors, wasp nests or eating without washing your hands. However this one was even more dangerous because I was being approached by the Dominicans and had a weird circus entertainer with me who was making me look bad. Erik kept shouting at me to stop the dancing but that of course made me dance even more just to prove a point. He gave up and instead started barking at the waitresses demanding food.

The guys all went right up to Erik and the biggest guy put his hand on Erik’s shoulder. Obviously making physical contact with another man in such away means one of two things, you’re either Galien or good friends with the man, and we had never met them before. I was horrified, we were trapped in a small room with potential Galiens and I had been dancing my little heart out. No doubt they were obviously turned on by all of this. How could I have not known? The signs were all there, their terrible dress sense, their very camp moustaches and that oily skinned look all Galiens have. You never want to be trapped in this situation, believe me. I don’t want to have to admit it, but I will. I’m an honest type of guy when I know people will find out I’m lying. In this particular situation, I got nervous. My hands started sweating, although that could be attributed to the awesome dancing I was still doing.

Without thinking I reacted, which is what I do pretty much all of the time. It’s what makes me, me. I quickly hopped over to Erik while still in dance mode and pulled him away from the oncoming gang who he was face to face with. Erik was still shouting for food and seemingly oblivious to the immediate danger. I pulled him over to the door, opened it, and pushed him outside, all in a split second and whilst hopping. You don’t want to be in a Galien Zone for long, you could get contaminated with Galien germs (GGs). I could have left Erik there to fend for himself, or I could have done the honourable thing and not gone out with him in the first place. Of course, people generally take the path of least resistance, but not me. Or Galiens actually, if you think about it, but don’t think about it. I did, kind of, but in a non-gay way.

I quickly followed Erik outside knowing that he would have to not eat in order to survive. Fancy that, it’s a contradiction in terms, a lot like me really. Not only am I strong I am also in touch with myself, no pun intended. I was out of breath, sweaty and on the run. I quickly glanced over my shoulder, and then my other shoulder too because I’m cool with shit like that. I like to see things from all angles, if you catch my drift. The door behind me was opening and those angry looking men were coming towards us, this is where I saved Erik’s life. Really, it is not something you have to think about, it just happens.

Seeing as I didn’t want to get touched by any Galiens I decided it was everyman for himself and ran as fast as I could down the street. Erik was behind me, but not too close you understand. Usually it is the man behind who gets taken out first, but not in this case. Subconsciously I knew and that must have been the reason I was the first to flee. Saving someone’s life isn’t necessarily as glamorous as it sounds. This time it wasn’t, it wasn’t glamorous at all. It was me who took the fall. Had it been Erik, he would have been the one laid out on the floor, writhing in pain before passing out, but not on my shift. One second I am running extremely fast the next I am sprawled out on the floor and everything turned black.

Grabbing America by the BALLS, in a non-gay way
A true tale of a Heavily Muscled Hero Type Guy
ISBN - 978-0-9558869-0-4

The best selling satrical humour book
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